You don’t have to do bad things to go to Hell. Anyone can get there.
The tiny Michigan town in Livingston County is a popular fishing and swimming spot.
Or there’s the European alternative, Hell, a tiny village in Norway.
For me, it ’s more than 20 hours flying either way, so it could be easier to go to Little Hell, in Tasmania, Australia.
Perhaps I should try Satans Lair, also in Tassie, or Hellfire Bluff, Dismal Swamp or Misery Knob.
A trip to Victoria could find me in Mount Despair or I could visit Desolation Bay in South Australia, or Disappointment Hill, in Western Australia.
If I choose to try my luck closer to home in Casino, New South Wales, it could send me to Broke, also in NSW, but hopefully not to Coffin Bay in South Australia, though the most delicious oysters are produced there.
Thinking of food, maybe I should go to Banana in Queensland, known for its beef, with no bananas in sight. Or I could try Orange, which is closer to home in NSW.
I hope that doesn’t send me to Granny’s Gut, (Tas).
But those earlier, sad sounding destinations could make me want to drown my sorrows at Wine Glass Bay, (Tas). I have been there and it is exquisite.
This could lead me to Pisspot Creek or Tinkle Creek, (Tas) but I’d prefer Happy Go Lucky in Victoria, or Hopetown, NSW. Hopefully, I will not resort to Bong Bong, in NSW – though I have been there for its famous race day.
GOING TO THE EDGE OF THE WORLD
A trip to Delicate Nobby in NSW or Yorkey’s Knob, Queensland, or even Woodie Woodie in Western Australia or Ding Dong Rainforest (Tas) could end with a trip to Cock Wash in South Australia.
But that’s not the end or even the Edge of the World unless you visit that town in Tasmania. While in Tassie you could find yourself Nowhere Else.
Tasmanians seem to be obsessed with bottoms and while there you can visit such illustrious places as Bottom Hole, Officers Bottom, Broad Bottom, Long Bottom, Shallow Bottom Point, Bottom Lagoon, Lovely Bottom, Grassy Bottom, Deep Bottom, Round Bottom, Boomer Bottom, Prickly Bottom and Bottom Fancy.
If that sounds like too many bottoms to visit you could just go to The Butts.
If bottoms aren’t your thing you could visit The Nipples in Tassie, or Boobs Flat or Mossy Nipple Bend.
A visit to Break-Me-Neck Hill could prove dangerous.
I did my cadetship in journalism at the local newspaper in Wagga Wagga (NSW) – the Aboriginal name means ‘place of many crows’.
I don’t remember seeing many crows there, but there was a cute little rooster who practised his crow at all hours of the day and night.
Some of the people I love most in the world live in a tiny pocket of Sydney called Woolloomooloo which is Aboriginal for ‘young kangaroo’, though you won’t find any of those cute creatures there.
I remember dreading the school spelling test that included that word but enjoying overseas visitors’ attempts to pronounce it correctly.
WHO PICKS THE NAMES?
Ever wonder who comes up with some of the crazy names for towns?
I came across a house name on a recent walk that had me thinking of names.
The homeowners decided to call their house ‘Weird Cottage’. I for one try to downplay the weird things that go on in my home, not advertise them.
I was reminded of a trip to Tasmania and its little village of Dootown. The homeowners there are very creative with their house names. Architect Eric Round started the trend in 1935 when he named his little seaside village shack “Doo I”.
The idea caught on and now just about every house has a “doo” name – Doo-N-Time, Doo-Me, Just Doo It, Doo Come In, Love Me Doo, Much-A-Doo, are just a few of the house names you’ll see.
OUR NEED TO NAME THINGS
Many of us not only feel the need to name our homes but also our cars. All my cars have had names, usually some alliteration with the model. Our latest car is fondly called the Gigglemobile, after the car used by Jimmy Giggle and Hoot on their adventures.
For the uninitiated, Giggle and Hoot is a children’s television show favoured by the Goddesses. The Gigglemobile even has its own song – “flying here and zooming there, we can travel anywhere. Friends to see and places to be. It’s the coolest car that you’ve ever seen”. You can check out the full version here.
What inspired us to name inanimate objects? I think it’s an attempt at humanising them.
L.M. Montgomery explains the feeling well in his book, Anne of Green Gables.
What is the name of that geranium on the window-sill, please?”
“That’s the apple-scented geranium.”
“Oh, I don’t mean that sort of a name. I mean just a name you gave it yourself. Didn’t you give it a name? May I give it one then? May I call it–let me see–Bonny would do–may I call it Bonny while I’m here? Oh, do let me!”
“Goodness, I don’t care. But where on earth is the sense of naming a geranium?”
“Oh, I like things to have handles even if they are only geraniums. It makes them seem more like people. How do you know but that it hurts a geranium’s feelings just to be called a geranium and nothing else? You wouldn’t like to be called nothing but a woman all the time. Yes, I shall call it Bonny. I named that cherry-tree outside my bedroom window this morning. I called it Snow Queen because it was so white. Of course, it won’t always be in blossom, but one can imagine that it is, can’t one?”
How about pet names? I’ve heard some funny ones like Sir Barksalot for a dog.
Other funny dog names are Winnie the Poodle, Bark Twain, Chew Barka and Jimmy Chew.
I had a friend who told me she wanted to name her next dog Nobody, so she could tell people Nobody’s perfect.
People come up with some clever cat names too, such as Willian Shakespaw, Ali Cat and Bing Clawsby.
I was once given a baby budgie who had a limp because he had fallen out of his nest. I really wanted to call him Toulouse-Lautrec after the artist, who also had a limp. However, I ended up calling him Basil, after the lead character in one of our favourite old comedies, Fawlty Towers.
I think the most intriguing names of all are the ones we humans have.
Seems some parents have a weird sense of humour, naming their kids names like Donald Duck and Chris P. Bacon (these are real names).
In fact, some people have been forbidden to use the name they originally chose for their child because of the bullying and teasing it would attract.
A couple in Denmark were forbidden to name their child ‘Anus’ – I can’t imagine why.
A couple in China wanted to keep things really easy by naming their child ‘@’, while in Malaysia a couple was banned from naming their baby ‘Chow Tow’, which translates to Smelly Head.
Some names are fine until your circumstances change. Do you remember all the stories last year when Brandy McDonald married Dave Berger and became McDonald-Berger?
That’s not quite as bad as when Crystal Butts married Levi McCrackin or when William Best married Jennifer Lay.
My doctor probably didn’t have too many issues with her name until she graduated and became Dr Pain (not kidding!). I also know a specialist dentist who is Dr Nip and have heard of another who is Dr Hurt.
My name, Tamuria, was the title of a musical written by my father about a magical land. The people who lived in Tamuria were called Tamus.
Do you know the history and the meaning of your name? What’s the craziest name you’ve ever heard? Let me know in the comments.
Have a gleeful week, Tamuria.